diary of infinite-luc

thoughts, moments, people I don't want to forget

I think I'm less interesting than I used to be.
I started to feel old at 25.

these lovely weekends

covering my eyelid with a yellow eyeshadow and drinking Pilsner on tap
the rising sun hitting the bottle of the golden Terre d'Hermes
getting high every Friday night to watch RuPaul and then falling asleep with music in my Airpods
waking up an hour later to the second to last song on an album and falling back asleep
drinking white wine, sitting next to Ori on the sectional and watching nature docs
wearing my Cartier watch to dinner, getting drinks as the sun sets

Los Feliz, CA. 4/11/21


Ori and I went to the Yosemite last weekend and it was as inspiring as I hoped it would be. We listened to a podcast on the way up that talked about one of the first "ambassadors" of the park James Hutchings. The whole story was interestingly complex, with the idea that there can even be an ambassador to an environment, a natural space. And even more importantly, it seemed so uncanny that a natural place can be called "American" or can be made viewed as "national pride." I mean, it's just space -- it exists no matter what country it's in, right? It doesn't really belong to anyone. And obviously, the whole concept of the Yosemite being "explored" when really indigenous people have lived there for centuries. The whole area of Yosemite is filled with indigenous people history that I was very unaware of. We went to get "Indian Tacos" from this woman's backyard. She only accepted cash, was making the tacos with two other women not wearing a mask, and got wished "Happy Easter" by a couple of white men. What really struck me is that they call them "Indian Tacos" and I felt inadequately liberal to be thinking in my head "but that's not the right term." Who am I, a coastal elite 20-something white gay, to come to the Californian countryside and think that she should use a more woke term or that she should be uncomfortable by being wished a good Easter. I mean, she seemed totally up for it, really even in tune with the white locals, and I seemed to be the odd one out.

Seeing the actual park was mesmerizing. I've never been to a water fall and seeing them up close actually felt other-wordly. I felt like I was inside the Moses Somney grae album cover and totally understood how he could write such a beutiful album full of self-reflection rooted in connection to the natural world. I get why so many poets and painters have been fascinated by natural spaces like this. I didn't want to leave, it felt like I was leaving something pure, original, pre-historic, divine. Even though that as we we're leaving, the Friday afternoon crowds started pouring in, which took away from the fantasy.

James Huchings wanted to share the beauty of Yosemite with people and ended up getting a bunch of rich people from San Francisco to pay to come down and see it for themselves. It's kind of funny that even back then only the wealthy were able to see the Yosemite and it's also funny to think about how challenging it must have been for these people to get around without any roads, tunnels, and paths. I wonder if it felt more impactful for the people in the 1860s to see something so magnificent because their day to day lives were lacking modern-day technological wonders or even photographs that would show them such spaces. I mean, did it seem more divine for them to see something like this? Because, there is an argument to be made that in our time we're so numb to everything because we always have something stimulating us and nothing is surprising anymore. I mean, imagine seeing the enormous waterfalls and valleys without ever seeing a skyscraper. But then, in a sense, our modern society is probably losing touch with the natural and so moments like these in which we get to connect with the natural, even if on a surface level, are incredibly transformative to us.

That night, Ori and I watched the Our Planet episode on Antarctica and now it's in my lifetime bucket list to be able to see that part of Earth with my own eyes. Funny that it comes up to almost a $100k to go there -- history is repeating. Going to the Yosemite is not enough anymore, now the rich "explore" Antartica, from the comfort of 5-star hotels.

What stuck with me most of all is that James Hutchings had a child who was assigned male at birth but apparently often spoke of wishing they were born a boy. Their given name was Florence, but they insisted that people call her Flo, and they were the first white child born in the Yosemite. To think that they were possibly transgender and were owning that identity gives me shivers down my spine. Floy died when they were 17, also in the park, as they were guiding a tour group and a loose boulder struck her.

"Floy or Flora, became famous for her tomboy ways, complaining throughout her short life that she had not been born a boy while she played with lizards instead of dolls and, when a bit older, rolled her own cigarettes." - from NPS

Los Feliz, CA (Chumash Land). 4/6/21

Los Angeles

All of you bitches LOVE LA. You're just too afraid to admit it, not even to others, but to YOURSELF. Listen, LA is hell on earth. It's the sin city, fuck Las Vegas. Las Vegas is where people go to sin for the weekend. In LA, sin is a lifestyle.

We got the beaches, we got the pretty people, we got the looks, we got the weather, we got the imported intelligence, we got the trashy people (oh and are they so fun to observe!!), we got the food, we got the coffee, we got the drinks, we got the music, we got the celebs, we got the freeways, we got the outdoor, we got the indoor, we got the wild fires, we got the earthquakes, we got the islands, we got the republicans, we got the valet parking, we got the Hollywood history, we got the surfers, we got the hot bodies and the small brains. Who wouldn't die for LA? Many have.

In Los Ageless, the mothers milk their young!

Los Feliz, CA. 3/24/21

that’s on techno

in the spirit of returning to my less basic self, i feel once again driven by unique music finds. I am once again surrounded by people for whom music is an interest, not merely a passive activity. oh how I’ve missed that. and Marketa now has her own radio show back in Prague!!! and yes, I will start my sentences with “and” if i want to.

now I go to record stores and know what to do. literally, just look and get anything. the less I know it, the better. the more electronic, the better. the older, the better. that’s how I grow my knowledge.

i am working on an ambient/electronic/techno playlist and it’s about to be fire.

and if we’re friends and i haven’t asked you to make a last.fm account, are we really friends?

“Recommended speed of playing: 45rpm; 33.3 is cool too.” — Cobey Sey on bandcamp.

Los Feliz, CA. 3/16/21

things that have made me happy/calm recently

- watching films that don't necessarily have amazing reviews but that I simply want to watch to unwind (Map of Tiny Perfect Things, Moxie)
- the return of Alcove brunches with two new things tried: omelette with mushrooms, sausage and feta AND Brut mimosa with freshly squeezed orange juice
- enlightening conversations with Juhi (City of Quartz by Mike Davis)
- the return of rooftop season with games, wines and charcuterie boards
- escaping the pressure of "important moments" by making them as informal and un-special as possible and making them lovely through doing that
- the Vaccines cover of Fire

Los Feliz, CA. 3/7/21

calling mom

It's a Sin, Episode 3, 24m:53s

moody 80's

chosen family
queer resistance
queer survival
queer sadness
queer happiness

AIDS as a tool for homophobia
AIDS as a tool for fear
AIDS as a tool for manipulation

Love Will Tear Us Apart - Joy Division
It's a Sin - Pet Shop Boys
This Charming Man - The Smiths

Los Feliz, CA. 2/25/21

illusions perdues

I think the reason why my generation is particularly sensitive to the changing (and frankly often declining) state of the world is because we were raised in what at least to me seemed like the peak of the Western world. There were no wars that impacted us (at least directly, and the mandatory military service in Czech Republic had been cancelled a few years before I was born) and the world seemed to be progressing towards more social acceptance. It seemed unacceptable that we wouldn't have learned from the lessons of WW2, authoritarian regimes in Europe, etc. We seemed to have been born in the golden era.

It was around 2015 when I started to realize that most of the world is not what I thought it was and that history can actually repeat itself.

It gets overwhelming at times.

In high school, our literature teacher told us about a book and for some reason I distinctly remember her calling out the main idea of the book being "lost of illusions of a generation." I think it was referring specifically to the generation that lived through the first world war and experienced its horrors. I feel like I finally understand what "lost of illusions" is. Sign of the times, I guess.

"Lately I've been fine, floating away
Got so out of touch and started to levitate

Why do you have to take it out so hard on yourself,
We were promised the world, so was everyone else

So maybe it's an end 'cause this don't feel like a start
But every generation probably thought they were the last"
--Your Light by Big Moon

Los Feliz, CA. 2/24/21

queer living

"But what about your neighbors, do they know about you?"

"They know. They've always known. It's like the official history of the world says that men like us have always been hidden away, in secret. But then, there is the real world, where we've been living. Together, for all this time."

--It's a Sin

"Fellow Resident explores the diverse lifestyles of modern gay men and the places they call home."


Los Feliz, CA. 2/23/21

recap of Friday night in Juhi’s house

first we made soup using Vitamix and we got ready for the night. it was me, Ori, Juhi and Zach.

Antonio and his boyfriend Tyler came and brought Tequilla. I knew it was going to be a long night when we immediately started taking shots. I don’t usually take shots but I wanted it this time because I could feel that I was anxious about hanging out with so many people that I didn’t know well. It helped.

We ate and Antonio and I bonded over Sandra Bullock and films in general. I realized both he and his boyfriend are really sweet. we took more shots.

We moved into the living room where we played a drinking game and drank our mixed drinks. We learned more about Antonio’s boyfriend. Juhi kept pulling the card “all women drink” and she was the only woman in the house. it was hilarious. we all drank and got really drunk.

then i reminded everyone that we were planning on going for a walk. i put on my new jean vest and we went first to juhi’s car. we climbed on top of it and took a polaroid. zach started pulling his pants down and suddenly everyone (well, antonio, zach and tyler) started running around the streets with their pants down. i bonded further with Tyler and learned that he danced in Heaven in London.

then we went to the golden gate park and i was becoming nervous (in a funny way) because police cars kept speeding by and the guys kept taking off their pants at the cars. it was hilarious.

when we got back to the house, we thought it would be funny if we broke in. so Antonio lifted me up and i climbed in through the window.

shortly after that Claudia came. we moved downstairs where Zach and I set up the lights and speakers and partied to Rain on Me and Imma Be for all of 10 minutes? lol then the neighbors came and told us to lower down the volume.

i think then we moved upstairs and we were going to have tea but i think we continued dancing? it’s getting blurry here. all i remember then is that then cops came and Juhi was so annoyed and was done talking to them in like 10 seconds. it was so funny.

we all went to bed and woke up so so so hungover.

Los Feliz, CA. 2/23/21